MY OTHER PAST TIME

Really folks, I am not obsessed with looking at photos of myself. For those of you who don't know, I am continuing to work on my official website which has an underlying agenda...my healing process. It's the undercurrent that keeps my creative juices flowing and allows me to reach out to others who are experiencing issues with hair loss or any other life changing experiences. Hence, the photos of myself....I believe that through positive imaging and expressing my feelings through digitally enhancing my photos is what is helping me to heal and continue my journey to acceptance and self-empowerment. There's an old analogy we "IT" folks use, ("computer" folks for those who are "technologically challenged" ), "Garbage in...Garbage out"..., "Negative feelings in...Negative feelings out". This is what keeps me grounded...along with a much "Higher Power" of course.
SEE MORE IMAGES BY CROWNED REGAL BELOW

COMING CLEAN

I've been thinking about why I want to share my journey of "a day in the life of an alopecian" and realized that my journey isn't just about being an alopecian, however, it has definitely had a huge impact on my recent state of mind. It's what has sparked a huge fire within me that continues to grow into this enormous forest fire that has become much bigger than myself, who is me. I want to share my journey because I have this huge desire to help someone through my journey. And if this is my ultimate goal, I need to be honest about the stages of my journey which includes both good and bad experiences....so with that being said, I am rolling out the "red carpet", the "real deal", in hopes that my story will somehow reach someone who needs to know my story.

Let me start by re-introducing myself.

"My name is Modolly and I am living joyously as a bald woman. My alter-ego is" Crowned Regal the Alopecian." I am an intelligent, compassionate, expressive, creative and loving person. Throughout my life, I have kicked down a few mountains with ten more to go, no doubt, either way I will forge on. Recently, I underwent three very profound life altering experiences, all of which left me to explore many things inside of me that I knew had always been there and was always afraid to unveil. That fear has disappeared and those very things I had kept inside are now flowing freely and ready to share with anyone willing to listen. Those very things, good and bad have now become monumental blessings in which my arms are wide open and ready to receive in abundance! I underwent gastric bypass/open RNY surgery, I now have alopecia and have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I need to share my journey. I need to share my journey to let it be known that through adversities there can be an emergence of some very beautiful and wonderful things. And the most wonderful of blessings is that you can overcome those adversities and can successfully live the most extraordinary, yet wonderfully normal life. If you landed on my blog, whether it be intentional or by happenstance, I want to "Thank You".

One of my favorite quotes is: " Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. "(a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson). I found this quote hanging on a wall of an administrative assistant's office as I was being discharged from a hospital.

THE PHOTOSHOOT

I went out to do some last minute Christmas shopping. I spotted a ladies hats section with some of the most funky hats I had ever laid eyes on. Lately, I've aquired quite a collection of them. They make me feel stylish, unique and alive. As I inched closer to this gorgeous snow white leather white brimmed hat, I decided to try it on. Yet another time, I had frozen, thinking that I need to remove the hat on my head. Here I am yet another time feeling uneasy about exposing my bald head again! I thought, Damn! What is it going to take before I feel completely at ease and confident in my own "skin"...err, umm.. "scalp?". It was time to break out the heavy artillary again..."The PhotoShoot". I look at this video from time to time to remind myself of the confident and strong woman in the photos to help boost my self esteem. "Heavy Sigh"

PUTTING IT IN REVERSE

Shaving my head feels really good. It's kinda therapeutic, you know?...yes occasionally, I do get these pesky little stubbies that struggle to grow through the tough scars deep in the hair follicles. I don't like the way they look, so much, so that after a smooth shave, I rub every inch of my scalp just to make sure I don't feel any,...even though they are not visible. Its kind of a mental battle I have with them. Guess, I have some deeply hidden control issues as a result of the hair loss. When I was done shaving today, I thought how obsessed I've become with making sure that not one piece of stub is showing on my smooth crown...but then I thought when I had a lot of hair and was beginning to loose it...strand by strand...I obsessed then in doing everything possible to keep my hair, regrow it, replace it, medicate it, etc. It's like things are in reverse gear..., yet I am in "drive."...driving forward that is....

LETTING GO AND GOOD RIDDANCE!

Contrary to some, there really are some advantages to being bald. I happened to be clearing out a closet that had lots of boxes. I came across an unmarked heavy box and opened it. Inside were hair care products which included, styling gels, mousse, hair rollers, combs, brushes, hair spray, oil spray, creams, and the list is just to long to mention. I froze for just a moment and thought, "Wow, I don't use this stuff anymore.". It was one of those moments that I have occasionally where I really miss my hair...and that's all it was...a moment. I quickly moved the box out of the way and thought, "I'll give it to my sister or something.". Then I took the box and put it out for trash. It didn't bother me in the least. Had this happened about six months ago, I probably would have broken down and cried. I didn't get upset at all. "So What?", you say?...you see that was a very monumental moment for me. It was the moment that I realized that I have gained acceptance in what I look like as a bald woman. And another thing, I spent so much money on that junk anyway...now I can turn on QVC and order that new ring I've been wanting.

A MINOR CONFLICT

One morning after a doctors visit, my husband and me decided to go this little out of the way diner. Honestly, I couldn't tell you what the name of the town was or the street the diner was on. We were so hungry that day. Anyway we got out of the truck and walked towards the front entrance. From the outside, the diner looked kinda' drab. When we opened the doors, we saw a really nice diner! While waiting for our hostess to seat us we looked around and noticed there were a lot of senior citizens. The place was buzzing. We finally got settled in our seats and was served a really good breakfast. As I was eating I started to feel very uncomfortable. The hat that I had on was denim and looked something like a train conductors hat. I stuck a funky crystal white star on the side for good measure. I asked my husband if he would mind if I took my hat off. He looked at me and whispered, "Maybe you shouldn't." (not in offensive way). I asked him, "Why not?". He said, Well, Babe, I'm not trying to be offensive or anything, and you know I have been out in public with you before when you didn't have anything on your head...it's just that I think if you are going to do something like that, you should either walk into an establishment with nothing on your head and stay like that or come into the establishment with it covered and leave it like that. (Really, he's a sweet man ...smile). You know, I got offended by that statement, however, I wasn't mad...I wasn't mad because I have heard that line from a lot of people, over and over again and each time, this opinion came from those that love me and were close to me. I decided that I would keep my hat on, not because I wanted to, but because I didn't want to make my husband feel bad, however, I said very softly, Honey, there is so much that is wrong with that statement. Let's enjoy our breakfast and we'll talk later. I kinda felt a little hurt because I questioned if he and others were ashamed of me being bald? Did they think I was going to interrupt people's meals by exposing who I really am?...think about that...this is who I am but people want me to hide it? While twisting my hat only 100 times during my meal, am I just being paranoid?...well later brought the subject up again and said honey this hairloss confuses me sometimes. Why is it more acceptable by others to always let me know what's appropriate for me. They say,"Wear a wig during special occasions or work,( I work in a law firm ), hats are ok to dress up or wear casually, I love your creative head wraps and you should be bald and happy!". I told him that some people are embarrassed for me, others would have me look like what "they" think is acceptable, whether they would go out bald or not... but no one really cares how uncomfortable I feel wearing hats, wigs, scarves...in the heat, cold, while I'm dancing, while I'm making love...no one ever asks me. I don't really feel that anyone should ask me,...I have to do what is comfortable to me!...its just that the people around me don't understand what it is like to be a bald women in our society...for the record, I like wearing hats, wigs, scarves depending on my mood and clothing, I like to be bald in the heat as long as the tempature is below 90 degrees,bald when I'm making love, bald, bald when I'm dancing, sometimes bald at work, sometimes scarves when I'm cleaning...bottom line I want to be comfortable in any setting or occasion...I just don't want to feel like I have to hide who I am according to who I'm with, who's around me, who feels uncomfortable looking at me. Question for ya...if a man walked into an eating establishment and felt uncomfortable and wanted to remove his hat, would anyone question that? Bottom line, I don't feel comfortable hiding who I am. Incidentally, one of the ladies in the diner walked by me and said, "I know you!". You're the lady that gets on the train every morning! I just want to tell you that you wear the most beautiful head pieces. I look up every morning just to see what you are going to wear next...YOU SEE WHY I AM SO CONFUSED????

I AM NOT A WHISPER

I consider myself to be a very spiritual person. I believe that GOD can be very amusing (for lack of a better word) at times. I believe he gives us many chances throughout our lives to correct things within ourselves. One time in particular, he presented himself to me by giving me gentle nudges along the way. See, with this whole alopecia deal, I kept falling into a "whoa is me" phase. I did this off and on throughout the deal. I did this, so much so, that my self esteem plummeted to the ground. HE kept nudging me by surrounding me with lots of people who told me that they thought I looked beautiful. The more people told me this, the more I felt anything other than beautiful.
Outside of being a spiritual person, I also consider myself to be an intelligent person, proud and sometimes loud! During my low self-esteem phase I felt like two different women. I just couldn't process why I was feeling like this nor could I express in words that concept until a week ago. You see what was happening, was that although I knew that I was an intelligent person, there was this horrible self-image disconnect...cool words huh?...a new friend found those words...I felt like I had struck gold when I heard them.
Anyway getting back to the little nudges I was receiving from "THE MAN UPSTAIRS", I just didn't get it!...rewind to about 2 weeks ago. I was hospitalized for other health issues. While I was in the hospital lying in bed a women walked out of the bathroom. She was roommate. She was about 30 years older than me. Although she was obviously having some health issues herself, she appeared to be so meticulous in her style and dress. Every hair was in place folks! She even wore lipstick while she was in bed and got up very early each day to spruce herself up. She also felt the need to nurture me by helping me arrange the food on my tray to arrange things on my nightstand. She sometimes liked to go for walks in the halls. Well, my 2nd day in hospital, I spent most of my time focusing on either covering my bald head or lying in bed thinking how much I missed my hair. I got so depressed. A nurse talked to me to find out what was wrong. I told her. She said, "I'll be right back." The nurse came back in about 5 minutes, she said, "Did you know that someone in the hospital has alopecia like you? I told her, "No." She said well it's your roommate and that's a wig that she wears! My roommate came back into the room with tears in her eyes and said, YOU ARE BEATUTIFUL!...then looked me straight into my eyes and softly said, with or without hair. We are sisters and you're going to get through this stage. I know the place that you are at...and just like you, I was diagnosed with two types of alopecia." You see folks, GOD IS NOT A WHISPER!. He rains blessings down on you in a thunderous way! I think about that woman everytime I put on my makeup and cock my hat to the side before going out. Two, SNAPS!...and a bag 'o' chips!!!!...holla!

FAMOUS QUOTES BY FAMOUS PEOPLE

"It doesn't matter what you look like, I love you, hair or no hair...and if you was smart you would listen!" (PatJ)

"I just want to see you get better, I love you...and that other stuff?...well, that's a bunch of b!$%&%!...and anyway I'm try-na process it!" (CarolJ)

"Ummm...I don't know, you're still the same, I don't see you any different...and I love your peanut head!" (TrinaM)

"Mommy, I think you look beautiful and regal...and can you please stop stressin'? I love you Mommy, I'll call you tomorrow." (ChrissyM)

"Mommy...aww...you still look pretty to me...and I gotta run, gotta catch a plane...I love you and I miss you. (GinaM)

"Hey Mom, a ladybug just landed in my window today...how are you?...I love you and I don't know Mom...you know I don't know how to express myself...you just look pretty to me." (KiannaM)

"Mom, Mom...you alright...you ok?...where's Pop Pop?...I'm watching Dora...I Love You MomMom. (Kayla Monster)

"I love you Boo...I'll always be there for you...I never left your side...where's my sandwich...and "you done snapped out!" ( the love of my life MichaelM )

"Remember that the people who really love you don't care that you are bald." ( NettieM)

YOU'D BETTER NOT DO IT! I MEAN IT!

I love to go dancing. My sister and I frequent a friendly place in our neighborhood on Saturday nights. Everyone there who knows me knew I once had hair then I didn't. Most everyone in there knew I had alopecia but never pried about it. Instead, they seemed to be more interested in the types of hats, scarves and wigs I wore. They seemed more interested in how I could change my look at the drop of a dime every weekend. One particular night I stayed on the dance floor most of the night. I wore a wig that night and I was so hot and sweaty. My sister was dancing next to me in the middle of the dance floor. I guess I was feeling empowered that night and thought I had enough courage to whip the hot wig off and reveal my bald crown. The lights were pumping and the music was loud. We were having a blast. I looked at my sister and said, "Should I do it?". She said, " You'd better not do it! I mean it!...I swear Modolly, if you do it?...I'm leaving. I turned and faced another girlfriend of ours and asked her, " Should I do it?"...my friend said, "Sure, why not!". I whipped my wig off and slung it across the dance floor and it landed in another girlfriends lap who was sitting at a table. When she caught the wig, her mouth looked as if it was moving in slow motion...she was saying Ohhhhhh, Myyyyy G-O-D!. I turned and faced the dance floor and danced soo hard. I felt so free! I loved the feeling. I watched peoples faces and they were absolutely astonished! I looked at my sister and she she grabbed my hands and held them in the air. We danced together, she hugged me and before I knew it women came onto the dance floor to hug me, they were in tears. To this day, my sister is still mad at me BUT she never left my side that night. We're going out to dance again on Saturday. I love my sister and the friends I dance with.

A BATHROOM ENCOUNTER

I had to use a public bathroom one day. As I walked in, another lady walked in behind me that I knew. We smiled and said hello to one another. I ran into one of the stalls first. This is not a pretty picture folks but you have to picture this...I began hopping around in my stall while trying to get my pants down...just as the waterfall started to flow into the toilet the lady in the next stall blurted out, " Hey Modolly, I've been meaning to ask you...Are you OK? When I saw you at the coffee machine the other day I didn't want to ask you then. I didn't want you to feel awkward. We both flushed our johns simultaneously and walked out of the stalls. As we met at the sinks to wash our hands she looked at my reflection in the mirror and said, " You know, when you see someone with a scarf on like that you feel so bad. You feel their pain, but I want you to know that I think you are very brave. Also, can I ask if what you have is fatal?". She began to tear up. We dried our hands and she hugged me soo hard she almost broke my ribs. I looked at her and grabbed her forearms as if to say, "Get a grip on yourself". I explained that I wasn't dying and that I had alopecia. This was a weird encounter indeed, but not because I had to explain to yet another person that I didn't have a fatal disease, but because I couldn't figure out why she felt that while I was taking a leak in the toilet was more of an appropriate time to ask me if I was sick rather than asking me that question when she saw me at the coffee machine the other day.