It's my favorite time of year. I love the anticipation of each day growing longer, love growing stronger and sifting through all the brightly colored clothing I missed wearing during the cold and gray winter months. It's also that time of year where I can't wait to see the flowers bloom and I begin to shed the layers of sweaters, coats, hats, gloves and heavy foot gear.
Today, I decided to pull out my brightly colored scarves and beautifully printed head coverings, light weight hats and short wigs. Doing this today, reminded me of the warm weather months to come and I thought to myself, "Not only is it time to shed the layers of clothing, but it's also time to reveal your head again. It's going to get too warm to tolerate the heat from wearing any of these head coverings". After going through one summer already, and one winter season as an alopecian, I thought I would be prepared to take on the world a a bald woman. Instead I found that sense of shame creep back inside of me. I was confused by these thoughts of shame I was having. I was on a train into work at the time and eerily felt the same as I did in the beginning stages of loosing my hair. This confusion kept knitting away at me like a needle to the brain. Why was I having these thoughts after all of the accomplishments that I've made toward acceptance? The only thing that I could come up with was that I had never been through the transition from the winter season to the spring season as an alopecian before. You see..., during the winter months I was able to cover up under suede hats and wigs on top of hoods and hoodies. I had developed a false sense of confidence regarding my feelings of being bald. It seemed that the confidence I had built up last summer by exposing my bald was lost. The only analogy that I can think of would be that of a child that had just taken a nasty fall off his bike and was afraid to get back on again. And to make matters worse, I moved to a new neighborhood with a new route to work, a different train, filled with different people. I have to get used to seeing them and they have to get used to seeing me, the bald woman in the neighborhood...but its OK. I'll find a way to reach down and pull on the same boot straps that got me this far in my journey to acceptance. I am ready for the stares, the comments, the sad faces, the giggles and snares! I have my "I LOVE ME" armour on and ready to rock! They will never have to know the turmoil that I still struggle with internally. I'll work it out somehow and keep forging on...all the while I will keep them all thinking, "LOOK WHAT'S BLOOMING! IT'S SPRINGTIME AGAIN! ISN'T SPRINGTIME BEAUTIFUL!"
